STAY AWAY FROM THE BOTTOMLESS BUFFET
Image generated by DALL-E. Edited.
A Short Play of Horror or Comedy Based on Perspective
CHARACTERS
FRIZZ An observant squirrel that eats frequently
DRAY A squirrel with common sense and a penchant for eating
VELVET A pacifist squirrel that wants to eat often
TWITCH A friendly squirrel that likes eating with companions
SCURRY A squirrel that loves the Bottomless Buffet and hates foraging
(SETTING: A woodsy, backyard area.
AT RISE: A group of squirrels gather from offstage to collect their breath and assess the situation.)
FRIZZ
Never go back! That was the absolute worst! Never go back!
DRAY
Never!
VELVET
What was that?
DRAY
Terrible, terrible, terrible.
TWITCH
Terrible! We never go back!
SCURRY
The worst.
VELVET
What happened?
TWITCH
Terrible! Never go back!
FRIZZ
Awful! The Bottomless Buffet is off limits!
SCURRY
There’s no question about it.
DRAY
Stay away from the Bottomless Buffet!
SCURRY
No question.
VELVET
Was Kevin hurt? Should we have helped Kevin?
DRAY AND SCURRY
No!
VELVET
Ohhh, poor Kevin.
TWITCH
Terrible. The Bottomless Buffet is dangerous.
DRAY
Terribly dangerous.
FRIZZ
We stay away from it.
DRAY
We don’t go anywhere near it.
FRIZZ
Forget it.
VELVET
Where will we eat?
DRAY
We must eat.
VELVET
Right?
TWITCH
I’ll starve before I go back there.
FRIZZ
We’ll have to forage.
SCURRY
I hate foraging.
TWITCH
We can’t go back.
DRAY
Never!
VELVET
We never return.
FRIZZ
Stay away from the Bottomless Buffet.
SCURRY
Hey, you don’t need to tell me twice.
(They nod in agreement. There’s a pause. They do squirrel things.)
SCURRY
Anyone else kind of hungry?
TWITCH
I could eat.
VELVET
I can always eat.
DRAY
Hey, are you guys talking about getting food?
FRIZZ
I’m in.
TWITCH
There’s nothing to eat around here. We’ll have to forage.
SCURRY
Squirrel-friend, please!
VELVET
I never remember where I bury my nuts.
SCURRY
It’s not even worth the effort.
DRAY
Where can we go?
FRIZZ
Where can we go?
(The squirrels pause to ponder this.)
FRIZZ
I got it: the Bottomless Buffet.
SCURRY
Love the Bottomless Buffet.
TWITCH
Who doesn’t?
DRAY
Are you talking about the Bottomless Buffet?
SCURRY
Love the Bottomless Buffet.
VELVET
Wait a second.
(The squirrels pause to think. First, they try to think about why the words “Bottomless Buffet” seem significant. Then, they try to remember why they started thinking.)
DRAY
Hmmmmm.
(Pause.)
FRIZZ
Bottomless Buffet?
SCURRY
Oh, I love the Bottomless Buffet.
TWITCH
Who doesn’t?
DRAY
Let’s go to the Bottomless Buffet!
TWITCH
Hip hip!
VELVET
Hooray!
SCURRY
Bottomless Buffet!
(The squirrels take different routes but all end up at the Bottomless Buffet, also known as bird feeders.)
FRIZZ
This is the life.
TWITCH
There’s so much food.
FRIZZ
It’s all delicious.
DRAY
So much food.
VELVET
Like, I don’t ever really want to fight with you guys, and there’s just so much food here—
DRAY
That we never need to fight! I totally get it.
SCURRY
I love the Bottomless Buffet.
TWITCH
Why would we ever leave?
FRIZZ
It’s a smorgasbord.
VELVET
There’s such variety.
SCURRY
It’s a bonanza!
FRIZZ
Do you know who would really love this? Kevin.
ALL
Kevin!
VELVET
Where is that little peanut-hoarding aristocrat?
DRAY
He’d dig it the most!
SCURRY
Kevin never passes up free food.
FRIZZ
Right? He’s usually the first one there.
SCURRY
Where is Kevin?
(There’s the swift, airy pop of a pellet gun.)
FRIZZ
Yowwwww-ow-ow-ow!
(FRIZZ runs and jumps briefly before dropping to the ground with a thud. DRAY, VELVET, TWITCH, and SCURRY stare at FRIZZ for a beat.)
DRAY and SCURRY
Ahhhhh!
VELVET and TWITCH
Run!
VELVET
Run! Run!
(DRAY, VELVET, TWITCH, and SCURRY zig zag in a panic.)
TWITCH
Get outta here!
SCURRY
Ahhhhh!
DRAY
Climb!
VELVET
Run! Run!
TWITCH
Climb!
SCURRY
Ahhhhh!
VELVET
Scatter!
TWITCH
Scatter! Scatter!
SCURRY
Scatterrrrr!
(DRAY, VELVET, TWITCH, and SCURRY scatter offstage. A moment later they reenter a woodsy, backyard area, breathing hard, and assessing the situation.)
DRAY
Never go back! Never!
VELVET
What was that?
DRAY
Terrible, terrible, terrible.
TWITCH
Terrible! We never go back!
SCURRY
The worst.
VELVET
What happened?
(BLACKOUT)
Christopher Cleary is a former metropolitan Atlanta area English teacher who holds a Bachelor of Fine Arts in acting and a master’s degree in project management. His stage plays have been produced in various theaters and published by The Playwrights Publishing Company (UK), while his young adult novel was released by Immortality Press (2007). Cleary’s short stories have recently appeared in Better Than Starbucks, Caæsura, and Mystery Tribune.